I don't have money nor much space for a punching bag, so how can I healthily release anger physically, either in private when I'm not mad, when I'm mad in private, and what to do in public?  No one just has no.

I don't have enough money for food, so I may not get as much violin practicing done, napped today, wakes up people at night, so I'm upset.

I wonder if I need to call churches for free food, I get a list but not always there and food not so great.  I've not wanted to be out so much lately.  I may have to only walk to churches to get it, too, since bus passes are expensive and I didn't get my government money appealed for more back yet.

I figured I was naturally not feeling well for awhile, and they wanted to do it on purpose.

I can't believe no one has helped me out and my government money reduced for no reason without the appeal process first to prevent it.

"I think they're 'ghey.'"

They're being especially mean to me.

I've had some physical effect.  I don't feel much.  😔

Follow the Leader

Since they're not doing anything apparent, maybe we should sometimes just sit with this and talk how stupid it is so they can't alter our thinking in bad ways and be affected.  So far, I've been able to turn it off and ignore other people for the most part, but I'm just sitting in my room hearing what's outside, with my earphones on with classical piano music.

In bad ways that she might not like, people are just focusing on somehow ruining it for me with a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a relationship with and inappropriately and incessantly trying to get at her and inappropriately stimulate her.

I think they are hell bent to ruin my life, if I think I can ever feel okay, when I'm not upset or after.

I already know I don't want to leave my room and go downstairs and run into the boys in the group home.  The nicest one is leaving November 1st, and I wanted to, too.  I think the stress has gotten to me.  I was upset and may have skipped my morning meds.

People are being suggestive to me because I nicely used information to make a point.

The side of the maybe English-Australian lady is getting more intelligent saying if I just ignore people being mean to me she's going along with me like I'm shit..

They would be waiting for me to solve a problem when none exists, like the fear of getting upset and possibly leading to some physical reaction, however small and even if in private or because in private.

I've also strongly established that people are doing this innocently trying to get me to react physically or think of a bad word so they can punish me every day.

When I am proud I'm good with no physical anger in private, they get hysterical and obnoxious and seem "brainless" and think what shit are we here for?  Well, it might have been a valid point.

I can't stand when they give me punishment for feeling upset at what others did simply for an extended period of focus and reason.

Also, sometimes I forget it's okay when I'm listening to them and when I think for people to stop they don't.

I guess this is important, after all, though it is really bad to do to anyone.  That really gets in my way, should I report this?  It's like when I went to the mental hospital, the police already damn know and don't care.  My old violin teacher from Poland talked to friends/family on the phone, and they said it is so dangerous in the middle of German and run by Muslims that it's so dangerous the police won't come to help you.

I don't feel like doing anything.  I have to take a shower, practice, study sometime, I was napping today and wanted to go back.

Is it worth worrying over the problems they have with me?  I don't like how they say it, what to do, when they should know they are wrong.  Only me.

So, I was picked on a lot after agreeing to something mature and hard to accept.

I think it is their own ruin and lies that it's okay.

I don't know if I know of anyone who prides themselves in never having any physical reaction when mad ever.  So, what can I do?  I can't call it off and I don't really want to... you know, with people like that lady.  So, what?  Also, I don't want it to get worse for me.

They keep getting mad if I post here or not.

They just keep making fun of me.  They are being "stupid" all the time.  They are out of control.  They have no point.  They are being so "stupid."  I say something, and they crush me like they are big and "stupid."

I said it!  They just act big and "stupid" if I post my problems online and I get much more sometimes, in the end, as a trick to be on bad behavior sometimes but not all, to build suspense.

They might do something really bad because I reacted physically in private in anger.

I'm sorry, but I've been typing this shit all day and the cars outside keep having something fresh to say.  They are out of control.

They keep getting mad if I show any physical anger in private, like my aunt said, whose off.

They have it on I was upset physically a bit that it's forever shit mathematically and for the lady somehow.

So, just because I nicely said how they said she might have said/done something mean to me.

They keep making fun of me and trashing what I say.

My dad ruined my life.

The people monitoring me in private just threw out my whole life.  I feel too damaged for an afterlife.

They made it so there is no hope.

They won't stop telling me what to do or else, like I got in some agreement when I didn't.

It's over!

People are saying she is finally getting new ways of being inappropriately stimulated.

They won't stop just because I said how they said the lady hurt me and like I'm her mother when she's older.

So, just because I thought it'd be nice maybe not to say what the lady does in this people being mean to me, they made it a real rule and now this is happening.  What lies.

So, I figured I was fine with what the Late Baby Boomer European lady is doing.

However, people kept saying more things.

I was told I wasn't perfect because I included something she may have said in a point, according to others, whatever happened this one day.  So, her "relationship" with me seems to be so it partly stops or lessens and she gets inappropriately stimulated like forever.

They said someone how I don't wanna is gonna restrain me sexually on Friday/s! while she does get stimulated yet maybe inappropriately.

It's like no one else can be stimulated, and everyone is special, but look what happens to me.

Not directing this at the lady, but how stupid really and the mother in me is beat if I post an insecurity having to do with the people monitoring me in private and ruined my life?

Anyway, I just wanted to report the antics of the people monitoring me in private and noticing people going 2 ways about if it's the people monitoring me in private or in the confusing situation really from them..  It was so obnoxious and out there so much etc., the way the people monitoring me in private act, like my dad said to set a disgusting example for me as their excuse for using me to "shit" at.

So, they are just mad I said what the lady was said to probably have done, and I said it nicely.

The cars keep spouting shit for her.

I was even treated like shit to not get upset about something mean that didn't matter.

They said because of this I'm feeling upset the lady goes cross-eyed feeling good.  I thought they wanted me to stop posting about these problems now.

I heard a car say I was bad, like the lady is just mad I ended up posting this here nicely.

They won't stop, trying to get under my skin to believe something I don't want in my convictions of reality.  They will probably do other things.

They just told me I was stupid and like as usual to go fuck myself, thinking I can get away with the world reacting to what I said they did this morning when I felt fine, just to make trouble in a weird way that causes me to say something they say they don't want.

Because I lived in stupid Orlando and I had a thought, the people monitoring me in private said that means I'm guilty.  I was upset they were acting like someone had to say something and I was stupid not to believe it and it seemed like the person would just copy and say the same thing.  They acted quite obnoxious like a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with was really mean and so I posted it but maybe not, it was off the limb.  I didn't say it, but I'm saying now it looks like they needed it.

The cars said she already forgot about me and went on to someone else, like I did something.  This is very traumatic to me, to find it's true.  I think it will be denied in how things go, but it may be true.  She supposedly was set with me.  Whatever it was didn't bother me, but it was a laugh she was so promising and it was over, along with taking things socially in return for ever talking and "tempting" me.

That annoying noise in my house they may have made like maybe an English-Australian lady seem like she's saying something to me all day and for a long timespan kept saying I couldn't meet that lady, probably a message from that lady.

It seems like the lady had to do this, but I am not sure.

These people monitoring my life are really bad, too bad if you can't believe it, joking about not having the "relationship" with the Late Baby Boomer European lady now like I did something and it's "inconvenient."

It seems like they're fine now they made me mad and give me something else to worry about and when they get too old and die they actually forget about me, when their older parental generation doesn't leave them hanging and everyone venerates them and many work in private with their feelings to develop for the world, unless they're socially naked and getting "sex" but in a convenient way etc.

Well, apparently, they want to distract you from what I just said and are trying to test me to say I'm something stupid and annoying etc. like shit in a way.  That's also what the lady supposedly said after I was upset about the other older person. ..

...and that older person kinda acted out of control like she couldn't contain herself.  They're still asking me if it was really her.

They believe they are on top of this like they "know" why they say this lady has problems.  She's a good and normal person.

The people monitoring me in private said they were the hero and subdued her sexually.

They won't stop;

They acted like she meant I had a sex problem and was left hanging and really tacky and shit.

They are getting off as okay.

The people monitoring me in private are lying that it's not their fault.

It was in a traumatic way like I was so tacky, shit, and lost.  They just get worse and worse.  It's not "okay."  It was really bad.

Now, they swear and are excited that the lady just says shit to me to say I'm shit because someone else also used a term like "animal" to label her when she's a good person and I did to how someone else who knew her treated me.

They keep shocking and bugging me with the timing of how the page loads on the internet.  If I try to not think about it, they do it more.  They leave me hanging, after.  They just sit there and act "stupid" like they don't care or even know what's going on, like it's all okay.

I caught this other person in real shit, that the lady has to die.  I know she is just in it for herself, if this is true.

They keep fussing making a big deal of some things like I have to try hard to think around things for them.

Ew, it seems like I have to get someone older than the lady to have the "relationship" I'm supposed supposed to have with her, as though the lady herself has to let all out at her, so there was never really anything in it.  From what I gather from this, they would just think they're always right and I'm always wrong and therefore have to fight it.

They're acting like I'm "left to" a maybe English-Australian lady to get me to adapt to being treated by shit to be tested again, like I just did something wrong with what I posted.  I heard her acting like, "Oh, I have to do it."

 They won't stop adding really bad things.

 People keep blaming the lady.

They won't quit it.  They're just super excited, like they're high on coffee and taking it out on me.

So I was feeling better, and something was wrong.  I just posted it here, and now they went crazy attacking me for falling for it, acting like it's true, though.

They don't want me to think about her? or else I never meet. I am not to communicate they said.

That's not a nice thing to play around with so immaturely.  They didn't explain or suggest, they threw thoughts at me!  I don't think some people have my best interests at heart and act like everything's gonna be okay, in fact..

They kept doing it and are upset I just pressed a button and it seemed I thought something I didn't even mean to go into.

They act like they're so cool, calm, in control, and cute, while I'm some thing on display making a fool of myself!

Apparently, the Black people of East Cleveland, Ohio went crazy, and supposedly a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with is often having trouble, since becoming underground famous over me, holding in thoughts from inappropriately stimulating her, like it was done on purpose ... but anyway, the people monitoring me in private joined in.

The were really nasty, saying I should be killed in inhuman ways and reiterating she was the one who said I made her want to commit suicide.

Supposedly, someone who knows her was super angry and acted like I would hate to have to have a kid attached to me, which is also a low and dirty thing to tamper with like that and say and act like an animal testing me about.  They slammed right at me.  It probably is what she said or, like everyone, had to chose from something like a multiple choice, provided by people involved manipulating my life.

They might have gotten overexcited and started talking to me in new known ways.

I think it's people getting overly involved in my life, made boring and uneventful by them in crucial ways, that made them want to dish this out, like, as things settle, it's time to stir something up.

They think they are messing with me because I am really bad, when it was supposedly just on them.  It's annoying to deal with getting by.

The people monitoring me in private keep acting condescendingly, like I have to fear their every move, like when I load the page on my computer.

I notice someone "took it upon themselves" to act like there's something especially wrong with me, who hasn't communicated with me much.

So many people are digging deep into sensitive topics like someone bad will break the ice, anyway, but a lot of good people don't have that problem.