I'm upset because I can't change what a Late Baby Boomer European lady decides if she feels pressured, but also if I talk about problems with those concerning her maybe I'll lose even more contact and others will gain more later.

It seems important because I may have felt so upset it hurt someone monitoring me in private or just executing messages.  I know today I was upset I had nothing to return to when those around me thought it was their job to rub in things that hurt me and annoy me as people.  If I'm for no reason in trouble with the lady, I tend to feel less happy and less prone to tolerating people bothering me even more and about it, also then if I do start to feel upset about the situation with the lady that the people monitoring me in private will always hold it against me, with no consideration for that I was just trying to dodge and defend myself from other people who know.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but it feels like I have to be ready for lots of people bothering me.

What I can't stand is special rules that I can't feel upset or else, things happen, including physical signs of anger even in private.  I get mad that it will never get better.  I also lost both my parents within a few years.  Then, they say, like my dad said his mom thought once, that if it happens around something "why then!" it must be related.  His sister might have thought with the mom that I need to be stroked into submission if I feel at all aggressive or assertive-  So, now it could open a new can of worms, like the lady evolved and grew immune to something and has to be involved in this trick/game.  Moving to Ohio, it's like everything leads to the end, even things that aren't real big problems, in general.  No one said why, it just happened.  I was bamboozled.  They're just upset I was defensive when secretly abused...  I don't usually do that on purpose.